Consider this: It is a Friday evening and you just got home from work. Your child rushes you at the door to embrace you, but the only thing you can think about is “now I have a million things to do.” And so, you start to prepare dinner, all while scrolling your phone and watching TV and you totally forget to spend any time with your child.

Although your child’s safety and their physical needs are important, your child’s emotional needs are just as important, being that how your child’s emotional needs are met, this can shape how they interact with people and in relationships as adults. 

Let’s face it. As parents we are so busy sometimes that we forget to spend that quality time with our child, we forget to slow down and enjoy the experience of the little human we created, because we get so caught up in our daily lives and every day is a struggle to remember to read their favorite bedtime story, give them a bath or, cook their favorite dinner. In this post, I’m going to talk about the affects emotional unavailability can have in your child, as well as ways to help you manage your time better, so you can spend that quality time with them!

So what are the emotional needs of a child? Here is how CPD online breaks it down:

Babies (0-1): Love, Attention, Touch, and Routine.

Toddlers (1-3): Love, Attention, Touch, Routine, Empathy & Understanding, Praise, and Safe boundaries.

Young Children (4-11): Love, Attention, Touch, Routine, Empathy & Understanding, Praise, Safe boundaries, A sense of personal control and choice, Support, and Respect.

Other Children and Teenagers (12-18): Love, Attention, Touch, Routine, Empathy & Understanding, Praise, Safe boundaries, A sense of personal control and choice, Support, Respect, Freedom, Independence, Trust, Communication, Forgiveness, Knowing you are always there. (CPD)

As you can see, being present in our children’s lives isn’t as simple as literally being there, children need emotional stability constantly. But, what can happen if they don’t receive it? The private therapy clinic points out the problems that can arise if your child’s emotional needs aren’t met.

Some of the short-term issues that can arise include: Rigidity, a low-stress tolerance, emotional instability with aggression, poor boundaries, unstable relationships, and attention seeking behaviors.

Some of the long-term issues that can arise include: Dysfunctional relationships in adulthood, fear of abandonment in love, borderline personality and narcissistic traits, substance abuse and dependency, and lack of identity and direction. These problems could potentially affect them for the rest of their lives and can be very hard to get rid of, or may require years of therapy to deal with. (Private Therapy Clinic)

If you are not sure that you could be an emotionally unavailable parent or know someone that is, here are a list of things to look out for: Parent’s not engaging in their child’s life, parents who don’t validate or celebrate their child’s achievements, parents who aren’t willing to participate in activities with their child, parents who don’t care to express that they love their children, and parents who don’t ever give their child compliments or tell them they love them.

In a study done by Emmanuel Reyes, a Sociology student at California State University, he focuses on “males who were raised by emotionally absent mothers and their perception of women during adulthood.” Emmanuel goes on to state that men who were raised by women who were emotionally absent can develop a subordinate view of women (Reyes). A subordinate view of women means that they have difficulty forming lasting relationships with women.

What about fathers?
I think fathers are highly overlooked when it comes to parenting and are often seen as the breadwinners of the family, but not as someone who can offer emotional support to their children. That role is typically given to mothers. In an article written by Duncan Fisher, he states that “the high quality of parenting demonstrated by primary caregiver fathers” should make fathers be more active in the caregiving role. Fisher goes on to share that a new study done at Cambridge University in the UK compared primary caregiver fathers, primary caregiver mothers and dual/earner mother/father combinations and found no statistically significant differences in parenting quality, depression, anxiety, stress, conflict with the child and a few other factors (Fisher). So what does this mean for moms? Let dad handle some time with the kids and encourage them to share in the caregiving role.

So what can be done about this issue?
I think the most likely solution is to create a routine that works for YOU as the parent in whatever shape or form that looks like. But just in case you don’t know where to begin, here are some examples of daily routines that are a combination of other parents routines and my own:

Morning routines:
1. Get dressed, walk the dog, get kids dressed and ready for school, make a quick breakfast like smoothie or cereal. (Tip: pick out clothing and everything else the night before).
2. Exercise in bedroom or house, wake up children, let them make their own breakfast (if they’re old enough), get ready while they’re eating, make your own quick breakfast. (Tip: wake kids up early enough to have extra time to get ready if needed).
3. Prep workout outfit night before, prep work outfit night before, layout breakfast and lunch in fridge, layout kids clothing, backpack, etc., cook pre-prepped breakfast and out child in high chair (while they’re eating, get ready or eat with them), change kids clothes, grab school stuff and get out the door! (Tip: Even if you are exhausted the night before, still prep for the next day because it will minimize out the door time in the morning).

Nightly/ After work routines:
1. Get home from work and have some play time first (1 hr. or so), start cooking dinner, sit down to eat with child, have bath time (only if truly necessary), read bed time story, bed. (Tip: Best to have bed time at a consistent time every night).
2. Get home from work and immediately start cooking for dinner and the next day lunch or even next day’s dinner, if child is old enough, have them help you in the kitchen, actively listen to your child’s day and talk about your own, eat dinner together and watch some tv, put to bed. (Tip: If your child is old enough to cook, kitchen time is a great bonding experience and creates an activity and help for you both to do).
3. (For stay at home moms) Make breakfast and do play time after. Nap or schoolwork depending on age, take a break midday and go to a park and workout while they play or workout together, come back home and have lunch, more schoolwork or nap depending on age, cook dinner, eat, downtime, bed. (Tip: Try to do outdoor activities if you stay at a home at least a few times a week. It will help you and the child get much needed endorphins).

Taking time for yourself

According to Child’s Play Early Learning Centre (ELC), Parental burnout can happen when you don’t take time for yourself away from your kids and your family. Parental burnout is defined as a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. We have talked about spending quality time with your children and how important it is to have that quality time, but it is also paramount for your mental health and the health of your family to make sure you take time for yourself. Let’s face it, parents are the superheroes of the world and are always on go mode, but being mentally exhausted all the time could lead to mentally checking out and going through the motions.

Child’s Play ELC states five reasons it is beneficial for families to have time apart:
1. Contented parents equal happy children.
2. You’ll feel less lonely.
3. Your time with your children will be more valuable.
4. You are supporting their development.
5. Look forward to more as a family.

Everyone’s parenting situation is different and it can look differently for many different people. I tried to impress upon you the benefits for your child as to why it is important to be emotionally and mentally present in your child’s lives. I’ve also talked about the short-term and long-term effects being emotionally absent can have on your kids. I’ve provided examples of routines, which I think can be helpful to optimize your time with your child. But, I have also talked about how important it is to take quality time for yourself. Parents aren’t robots and we must also take care of ourselves, so that we can show up for our kids!

Sources:
CPD Online:
Johnson, E., (2021). What are the Emotional Needs of a Child?https://cpdonline.co.uk/knowledge-base/safeguarding/emotional-needs-of-a-child/.

The Online Therapy Clinic:
Spelman, B., Dr. (2022). Effects of Being Raised by Emotionally Unavailable Parents. https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/blog/emotionally-unavailable-parents/.

Emmanuel Reyes:
Reyes, E., Davis, J., Dr. (2011). Males Raised by Emotionally Absent Mothers: All Nature No Nurture.  https://csulb-dspace.calstate.edu/bitstream/handle/10211.14/9/Emmanuel%20Reyes.pdf;sequence=1.

Duncan Fisher:
Jones, C., Foley S & Golombok S. (2021). Primary Caregiver Fathers and Mothers Are Equally Competent. National Fatherhood Initiative. https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/fatherhood/primary-caregiver-fathers-and-mothers-are-equally-competent.

The Mama Notes:
Elizabeth, M., Danielle, Santanello, K., Dillon, J., Lisa, Riddle, A., Ellison, E., Nu Ez, M., Biermann, P., Moyo, N., Schifano, S., . (2020). 12 Working Moms Share Their Morning Routines. The Mama Notes. https://themamanotes.com/12-working-moms-share-their-morning-routines/.  

Early Learning Centre:
Child’s Play- Early Learning Centre. Why Time Away From Your Child is Healthy. https://www.childsplayelc.com.au/why-time-away-from-your-children-is-healthy/.